Running Time: 90 Minutes
Video Certificate: R
Directed By: Elisar Cabrera
Starring: Eileen Daly, Emily Booth, Wendy Cooper
This is the 10th instalment of the erotic horror "Witchcraft" series which presently runs at some 13 films. The only other film in the series to feature vampires is Witchcraft VII: Judgement Hour (1995)
"No body could stop her desire for blood!"
|I can't believe I'm actually sitting here outlining the plot of this abomination that masquerades as a film. It is utter hokum but to save you the pain of having to sit through it, this is what you'll save yourself from.... Celeste Sheridan (Wendy Cooper) is a powerful witch (so the DVD says) - I'm not convinced that she'd gain admittance into any coven. She dresses like a reject for Wonder Woman - PVC dress and cape in what I think is her not very secret identity. When she's not fighting evil, she's either masquerading as a supernatural expert advising the police, or shagging her very understanding, cardboard cut-out (well he might as well be!) boyfriend Harry.|
Celeste worships some unpronounceable and unspellable goddess of light that I can't be bothered to rewind the DVD to find the proper name of. She has possession of the Eye of Destiny a magical orb that gives her special powers to fight evil and levitate orange juice, handy! The orb also tells her when evil is afoot - Every home should have one folks! The orb reveals that there is some evil brewing with Bureau 17's capture of American satanic serial killer Hyde (Kerry Knowlton) - So off Celeste toddles to go and advise the agents holding Hyde that evil is a-brewing.
|Celeste isn't the only hot babe interested in Hyde, oh no Siree! Hyde has obviously been using his Lynx spray, or made some devilish pact with Satan that gives him supernatural magnetism in return for human sacrifice... Busty redhead Lucy Lutz (Scream Queen Stephanie Beaton) is a member of the LAPD (Lovely ass and pendulous D-cups) come to extradite Hyde as he has been caught in the UK. She teams up with... by that I mean moves in and jumps into bed with... Bureau 17 agent Chris Dixon.||"Chris: Must resist staring at that cleavage... Look at phone. Look at phone!"|
Hyde's Lynx spray must be really potent because on top of Fantasy Barbie and porn-star bombshell (Celeste and Lucy...) the beautiful vampiress Raven (Eileen Daly) has decided to ditch her entourage of lesbian vampires and join bodies... I mean forces... with Hyde to perform the ceremony of Walpurgis. The upshot of this ceremony is to give power to the evil goddess Morshenka and change the power balance between good and evil, in favour of evil... as you do.
Raven and her lesbian vampires free Hyde and kill/turn everyone in the hotel-cum-police station. To celebrate, everyone left alive and uncaptured jumps into bed with the nearest available member of the opposite sex. In true porn movie style we get not one, not two but THREE sex scenes intercut for a whole ten minutes of screen time. Raven and Hyde get it on as do Celeste and Harry and Lucy has a lengthy bath before jumping the clueless Chris.
|I Pretty much lost the will to live at this point. Nooooooooooooo. Moving swiftly on... Hyde nabs the ancient book of Morshenka off Raven after their kinky sex session. In it he reads that whoever holds the eye of destiny can channel Morshenka's power and become immortal and all powerful... you know the drill. So he decides to betray his lover and set himself up as god. He hires himself a minion; junkie squatter Mikey, and together they steal the eye of destiny.|
Meanwhile the lesbian vampires have been out doing what lesbian vampires do best... hitting the clubs, dirty dancing and finding sacrifices for the ritual. They get killed off at various points throughout the movie, including a fun bitch-fight between Celeste and Linnaca (Emily Booth). The climax is a face-off between Celeste and Raven in which our vampire gets her heart ripped out.
|The surviving characters all gather together for the grand finale: We have Chris, Lucy and Celeste on the side of light vs. Hyde and Mikey on the side of eeeeevil. Caught between them are 4 innocent sacrificial victims including Harry and the chief of police. Random victim no. 1 is offed and Mikey makes number two - Hyde up to his old betrayal tricks again when the other sacrifices have been rescued.|
Somehow our good guys seem to know that pushing Hyde into the pulsing pillar of light will kill him. Done and dusted in a millisecond, inducing the audience reaction of WTF? Was that it? And boys and girls that really is it. Lucy sets off back to the states with a file from the chief of police offering her a job in the American branch of Bureau 17. Chris drives her off. Celeste and Harry live happily ever after we presume, now he knows she's secretly wonder woman's understudy in her spare time. Pretty much everyone else is dead and the balance of good and evil is restored.
The End. Hurrah!
Raven, played by Eileen Daly, is the vampire queen in the service of the evil goddess Morshenka. She has an endless supply of lesbian vampire acolytes.
Vampires in this movie:
A note on the fangs: Canines. Pretty damn bad.
Celeste (Wendy Cooper) is a good witch and a kind of Wonder Woman meets Van Helsing vigilante vampire slayer. Her weapon of choice is the sword, but she also has a supply of wooden stakes on hand. She channels energy from the goddess of light through the mystical Eye of Destiny which enables her to wield energy balls and manifest a giant cross of light in the air. She is not afraid to improvise and one vamp meets its demise stabbed by her stiletto heel whilst another is impaled on a wooden door wedge. Staking or decapitation are her usual methods of vampire dispatch, though Raven gets the special treatment of having her heart ripped out.
Even Wonder Woman can't be everywhere at once, and for those stray vamps who fail to encounter Celeste's wrath, we have Chris Dixon and Lucy Lutz - special police agents to handle the clean up. [The character Lutz also appears in Witchcraft 7, 9 and 11. Redhead Beaton plays the character in this film and the later sequels, while blonde Alisa Christensen stars in 7] Lucy dazzles enemies with her ample charms and Chris wanders round in a stupor looking dazed most of the time, but both seem surprisingly fine with the notion that vampires have taken over Bureau 17 and both uncannily know which end of a stake to use...
|Celeste has this dim boyfriend called Harry who wants to marry her, but she's not keen on the idea having not revealed her secret identity to him. What can I say about this relationship? It's boring. I wouldn't have even remembered Harry's name saved he wrote it on a note telling Celeste her dinner was in the fridge. He has got to be the dullest boyfriend ever. There is no emotion here, and despite the sex scene, no passion. Harry gets kidnapped by Hyde and his minions to become one of the 4 sacrifices but Celeste shows no reaction whatsoever, she is champion of justice, she will rescue him whatever... dull, dull, dull....|
Lucy Lutz the American agent finally jumps her clueless partner Chris Dixon, after he has failed to notice her breasts seemingly thrust in his face at every opportunity - Sheesh she wears the lowest cut tops and even sits next to him in nothing but a towel, yet she still has to leap onto his lap before he makes his move. Since there is no depth of character to these people it just seems... well exactly what it is, gratuity for the sake of it. Are these characters interesting? Nope. Do we care that they jumped into bed together? Nope. Is there any emotion as Lucy heads back to the States? Nope. Chris drives her but there is no mention of where their relationship is going... In fact there's no mention of the relationship at all other than the gratuitous nude scenes showing that these two have got it together.
|Raven the vampire queen and serial killer Satanist Hyde also get a lengthy sex scene. Very little needs to be said about this relationship - they are both using each other and would likely betray each other at the first opportunity. There is one fun little scene where Hyde tells Raven he worships Satan and she laughs telling him she worships a greater force of evil Morshenka the ever living mwahahaha!|
The Eye of Destiny is a glowing globe that acts as a detector for evil and also empowers its owner with super-powers. It can be used in the ritual of Walpurgis to channel Morshenka's energy and make the holder all powerful.
The Book of Morshenka is a grimoire detailing the ritual of Walpurgis. We know that it belonged to Raven's father.
I'm shallow. The babes are hot and the majority get naked at some point in the movie. The lesbian feeding scene with Emily Booth at the beginning, although short is surprisingly hot.
Location really lets this film down. The police station is clearly a hotel, and the whole set reflects the film's lack of budget. Also things happen in places with no atmosphere like the feeding and seduction scenes on staircases... The bitch fight between Celeste and Raven in the empty attic also looks silly.
The gratuitous nudity and constant breast shots become very wearing indeed. The 3 intercut sex scenes are particularly embarrassing, largely because of the length and the unerotic nature of them. There is no reason for them to be here, this is NOT a porn film, though frankly it would probably have been better if it was.
The story is pure hokum. The characters are cardboard and there are far too many of them. We don't even care about the protagonists! Motivations are sketchy and emotions completely absent. Costuming again was random - what the hell was going on with Celeste's wonder woman gig? Fangs are poor too.
Where do I start? Since the babes, who get topless at every opportunity are the ONLY reason to watch this movie I'd breast give some screenshots!
The striking Eileen Daly stars as Raven
Wendy Cooper as Celeste
Stephanie Beaton as Lucy Lutz
Then we have the three vampire babes: Tansy (Tyler Smith), Linnaca (Emily Bouffante) Dahlia (Lynn Michelle)
Best vampire moments:
The opening feeding sequence with Tansy and Linnaca. Who doesn't appreciate a lesbian vampire feeding scene where both fangs and breasts are bared in all their glory?
I'll also give a grudging point for vampire deaths. OK it's nothing we haven't seen before but there are plenty of them and a nice variety: stake by door stop, stiletto heel, sword as well as traditional wooden stake. We also have decapitation and a heart being ripped out.
Finally the scene where Celeste conjures up a giant cross of light is dumb, but kind of fun.
Alas I could not find a single line worth quoting in the drivel here that purports to be dialogue. Since the plot is utter nonsense and the script is bad there isn't anything that is worth remembering.
Eileen Daly the face of Redemption Films should need no introduction. She also lights up our screens several more times, most notably as Lilith Silver in the marvellous Razor Blade Smile.
Wendy Cooper (Celeste) also plays Jen in Blood (2000)
Sue Scadding (Forensic Agent Stevens) also stars as ditzy secretary Marilyn in Demonsoul (1995) - this also stars Eileen Daly and is directed by Elisar Cabrera the director of this movie.
Is it me or does Celeste (Wendy Cooper) look a lot like Sirpa Lane from certain angles?
Available on the 4 movie boxset "Hotter than Hell" along with the (non vampire) films "Witchcraft XI", "Sore Losers" and "The Strangers". Picture quality is not that great, rather lined.
Buy the DVD Boxset, from Amazon.co.uk
Bites: plus (4 x unseen)
How can a film with Eileen Daly AND Emily Booth as vampires, be this bad? But sadly it really is. Plot, character, dialogue, location, costume, lighting are all very poor. It's boring and the constant T&A focus is just embarrassing. It's funny only in as much as how bad it is. There are worse vampire films out there, but unless you're a diehard Daly or Booth fan you are well advised to give this one a miss. I've probably spent far too long on this review but the upshot is that I never have to watch this movie again, and hopefully neither do you!
For more info, you can also check out Taliesin's review here.
Back to Top