This Isn't Twilight - the XXX Parody (USA, 2009)


Running Time: 120 Minutes
Video Certificate: Adult
Directed By: Sammy Slater
Starring: Jenna Haze, Chris Johnson, Phyllisha Anne, Jack Lawrence, Audrey Hollander, Lyla Storm
Genre: Parody/Porn [hardcore]


Gallery



Tag line:

"When you can fuck forever,
You can fuck everybody!."



In the same Vein:

Related Films:

Plot:

Sex scene 1) Bella/Edward (Jenna Haze/Chris Johnson) - Scene begins in the forest and then Edward takes Bella to his room for a 35 minute sex session. This may not be very vampiric but OMG is this hot.

Twilight references:

Next up is an interlinking "plot" scene in which Edward and Bella meet Mr & Mrs Cullen (Jack Lawrence and Phyllisha Anne) in the kitchen.

Sex scene 2) Alice (Lyla Storm)/Jasper (Talon) - Reason? To calm Jasper who has become excited over Bella's scent.

Second interlinking scene - Edward and Bella Mr & Mrs Cullen meet Jasper and Alice in the kitchen

Finally a decent Vampire scene! Victoria (Audrey Hollander) and James (Otto Bauer) kill a victim before Laurent (Dick James) enters and chastises them for drawing attention to themselves.

Sex scene 3) Victoria/Laurent/James - Not much to be said here except that Victoria begs for sex to distract her from bloodlust.

Another interlinking scene - Mr & Mrs Cullen in bed discuss Edward's relationship with Bella, before Esme begs Carlisle to distract her from Bella's scent with sex.



Sex scene 4) Mr & Mrs Cullen, show that sex isn't only for teenagers.

Sex scene over, the end. Yes, it really does end as abruptly as that!



Vampire:

Archetypes: Sex Vampire

Vampires in this movie:
  • Have fangs that manifest when they feed.
  • Have freaky eyes.
  • Are highly sexed and screw anything that moves
  • Use sex to distract them from bloodlust
  • Drink blood
  • Find human scent irresistible
  • Are cold to touch
  • Mate for life
  • Look amazing in sunlight

A note on the fangs: Luckily we don't see much of them, only in the one "vampire" sequence where Victoria and James kill an unwilling victim. Fangs are of the so-bad-run-screaming... with laughter! variety.



Eye Candy: Babewatch

Jenna Haze as Bella steals this one, she's gorgeous!

If you can take your eyes off Jenna, there is also: Alice (Lyla Storm) Victoria (Audrey Hollander) Esme Cullen (Phyllisha Anne)



Eye Candy: Hunkwatch

Chris Johnson lights up the screen as Edward.

At the other end of the scale we have the much lamented gorgeous gay porn star Lex Baldwin (Playgirl cover star 1991) now turned straight and much surgically altered going by the name of Talon (here playing Jasper).

Other studs on show: Jack Lawrence (Carlisle Cullen) Otto Bauer (James) Dick James (Laurent)



Eye Candy: Vampirewatch

Best vampire moments:

There is only one vampiric moment in the movie - about half way in, we see a guy asleep on a sofa when in come Victoria and James and make a meal of him.



Anorak Connections:

Jenna Haze and Chris Johnson both star in the first two sequels This Isn't 'The Twilight Saga: New Moon': The XXX Parody and This Isn't 'The Twilight Saga: Eclipse': The XXX Parody.

This Isn't 'The Twilight Saga: Eclipse': The XXX Parody also features Otto Bauer, Audrey Hollander and Talon from this movie.

Jack Lawrence (Carlisle Cullen) also plays Dr. John Seward in This Ain't Dracula XXX (2011)




Gratuity Rating:

Sex/Nudity: Porn/X-Rated

Bites:

Screams: None

Human deaths:

Humans Turned: None

Vampire deaths: None

Final word:

Take one of the least vampiric vampire movies ever made - Twilight, remove the plot and replace with hardcore sex scenes and what do you get? This Isn't Twilight - the XXX Parody!

The parody/homage bit isn't too bad - Bella, Edward, Jasper, Alice and Victoria all look reasonably enough like their counterparts to pull it off, plus the character pairings echo those of the source material: Bella/Edward, Alice/Jasper, Victoria/James/Laurent, Esme/Carlisle Cullen. We also get some of the Twilight dialogue and references in there. As an adult parody it's not a bad attempt... other than the lack of plot of course!

The sex scenes themselves are pretty good. Jenna Haze/Chris Johnson is amazingly hot and for any adult Twilight fans out there wanting to see down and dirty Bella/Edward sex this is the movie to watch. The following three sex scenes aren't bad, but they are not a patch on that first scene. So as a porn film this delivers.

What lets this down, and gives it such a low score is the lack of vampire content. There is only one vampiric scene and it is pretty poor. Victoria and James feed from a male victim before Laurent enters and distracts them by initiating a three-way sex marathon. The fangs are appalling. Seriously for a film of this budget this is inexcusable. There is hardly any blood. The freaky eyes and fangs are not consistent - Laurent is the only one to have cats eyes and Victoria the only one with fangs - I can't tell if James sports any or not.

As a porn film This Isn't Twilight - the XXX Parody! is at the top of its game, but as an adult VAMPIRE film it sucks. This may have a lot to do with the lack of vampire content in the film Twilight in the first place, but I'm not totally convinced...



Verdict: 1/10


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