Running Time: 63 Minutes
Video Certificate: Adult
Directed By: Max Bellucchio
Starring: Tonisha Mills, Rocco Siffredi, Ron Jeremy, Patricia Kennedy
Genre: Pornography (Hardcore)
"She Lives For Lust..."
The story opens rather pointlessly in 1892 Transilvania (Note the mis-spelling here - I rather than Y) where we get this very dark (picture quality NOT content) flashback. Two vampires are running down a hill, flapping their capes and honestly it's so dark I couldn't tell the sex of the vamps (but from seeing the rest of the movie I think it was Ejacula and her husband). They are being chased by a human who falls down dead (we later learn from a heart attack, though this is also unclear from the actual flashback). One vamp breathlessly says something like 'I love you' to the other one. End of completely irrelevant AND bad opening sequence.
|The scene shifts to 'Salisburgo 1992.' We see a pert young maid Lucia (Sandra Grey), attempting to draw water from a well. She is accosted by Delfi (Ron Jeremy) the hunchbacked, rotten toothed, bug eating servant to Ejacula. Having pulled down his shorts he demands oral sex to which our sluttish wench coyly agrees.|
Ewwwww much! And she isn't running screaming why exactly??? This guy is gross! Luckily the pair are interrupted by somebody at the gate.
Two clock makers Alex (Max Bellucchio) and Daniel (Yves Baillard) arrive at the castle to fix the tower clock which apparently hasn't worked for years. Delfi leads them in through this bizarre gate which has a kind of mini door within it, so that they have to step through this really small doorway...
|He leads them up to the clock-tower then leaves them to get back to his little dalliance (Blissfully we are spared the rest of that coupling following our two heroes instead. How often can you say that for a porn movie - thank you thank you thank you for sparing me a sex scene?) The clockmakers soon discover it's a one man job and so Alex leaves his companion to go and explore. He walks into a bedroom where he finds the beautiful Ejacula (Patricia Kennedy) dead to the world in bed. He can't help himself from a little fondling and our undead lady of the night awakes and gives him a fanggy smile... He legs it.|
Denied her prey Ejacula gives half-hearted chase and stumbles upon poor Daniel who has just finished fixing the clock. She subjects him to a healthy dose of oral sex before going for the jugular in the only really 'vampiric' feeding scene in the movie. This is actually rather nice. Ejacula has fangs for the whole scene and the bite itself is bloody, from a vampire fan POV its not half bad.
So far we've had far too much plot for this type of vampire porn movie. I mean come on, we're half an hour in with what only two oral sex scenes.... Well never fear cos next up it's an orgy! Ejacula and her husband are giving a dinner party for the rest of the family visiting from well Transylvania perchance??? Delfi brings their coffins into the dining room. Two buxom blondes are brought in for entertainment and the party gets underway... Yup we're subjected to an orgy (6 women, 4 men).
|It's all rather dull sadly and nothing you haven't seen before done much more imaginatively: oral and m/f sex, standard positions, loads of affected moaning... We're offered capes and fangs to show they're vampires but there's no blood, no biting... and it's all totally irrelevant to the "plot" anyway since the family are gone by the next day... The one rather nice thing about this scene is the religious iconography. There are Christian statues and ornaments in the background which are an ironic contrast to the sex going on.|
Alex is at home under a blanket taking a good stiff cup of tea to help him over the shock of finding out vampires exist. He switches on the TV and there's this quack news interview, largely in German... where the reporter is interviewing a modern day vampire hunter. The hunter one Doctor Vottel claims he is the latest in a long line of vampire hunters, and is currently on the trail of a particularly nasty one called Ejacula and her husband. She's been around since his grandfather's day, but his grandfather died of a heart attack before he could catch her. (So that explains the terribly obscure opening scene then!) Somehow Ejacula has evaded him and he asks the audience for any information on her location, giving out his telephone number... A light-bulb flashes in Alex' head and he decides that if anyone might believe his tale of vampires it will be this Dr. Vottel and decides to give him a call.
|Meanwhile back at the castle... Ejacula is interviewing a new maid. Buxom blonde Rosa (Tonisha Mills) has applied for the position... flat on her back on the dining table! Where Ejacula tests her credentials in what is probably the most erotic scene in the movie. The girls fondle and lick each other for a while, Delfi playing voyeur and masturbating... then for no real reason I can think of Ejacula leaves. It's time for hubby to wake up. She tells Rosa not to move and that she'll be back, so the poor wench is left unsatisfied on the table but never fear the sex-crazed Delfi is on hand to take off where his mistress left off... Again, blessedly we are spared having to watch Delfi getting it on as the scene shifts to follow Ejacula.|
Ejacula rouses her husband in his coffin with some oral sex, just to get him warmed up. She said she had a little surprise for him... I think she meant she wanted him to help her initiate the new maid. But she gets sidetracked by lust and completely forgetting about poor Rosa, left on the dining room table the couple get down to it in a coffin... just in case you'd forgotten you were watching a vampire movie by this point. Well hell there has only been one kill!
As porn scenes go this one is very nice, and probably ties with Ejacula/Rosa as the best in the movie. The pair look great together, innovative positioning actually in the coffin, it looks gothic and the pair sport fangs throughout. It ends with the Count teasingly biting Ejacula on the neck so she bears her fangs.
Alex tries calling Dr. Vottel again, after having been previously rebuffed by his secretary and told to call back in an hour. He gets through and the pair meet up. The talk things over and Alex agrees to show the good Dr. where Ejacula's lair is.
The next scene we see a red car driving through the countryside, with the wedding march playing in the background. Now I was expecting the vampire hunters to be driving up to the castle... but no! that would be too much like plot. It is in fact a newlywed couple driving to their honeymoon who have lose their way. (Well that explains the random wedding march music then!) They arrive at the castle and Delfi introduces the husband to Ejacula and her spouse who are in the middle of dinner. They invite him and his wife to stay the night at the castle. Delfi heads out to the drive to fetch the wife from the car.
Duh-duh-dah! End of part one.
Archetype: Sex Vampire.
A note on the fangs: Not too cringe-worthy. My only quibble is Ejacula sporting both fangs AND a tongue stud... getting a tad crowded in there!
We have Alex, survivor of Ejacula's castle who teams up with Dott. Vottel the Van Helsing of the piece - a descendant of a long line of vampire hunters. Not much to say really since they don't do any slaying, I'm presuming they will have more of a role in the sequel.
Ron Jeremy plays Delfi the disgusting hunchbacked servant of Ejacula. He eats an alarming number of worms for an adult movie and looks truly hideous. I actually winced at his two sex scenes. So wrong!
The striking Patricia Kennedy and buxom Tonisha Mills.
Best vampire moments - This is the film where:
As hardcore vampire porn movies go, this one has more plot than most and an attempt at acting! Ie: there are characters here that actually refrain from having sex shock horror! Alex is played by director Max Bellucchio and has the role of vampire hunter, rather than porno stud pretending (very badly) to be vampire hunter which is the usual case.
As a porn film it's ok, I guess. There is sex, it's explicit and does nothing drastically wrong. The best scene is probably Ejacula initiating the Rosa the maid. That's quite hot, if a trifle short. Having sex scenes with Delfi in though, is just wrong on so many levels! This guy is repulsive and no sane woman would touch the bug eating hunchback, so how on earth does he manage to keep attracting these starlets??? Luckily his sex scenes are also kept short and at least two are interrupted by something else going on.
From a vampire point of view well let's see. There are fangs, and they're not bad. Ejacula looks great, nice pencilled eyebrows... looks like she stepped out of a Robert Palmer music video. Although it has all the trappings; castle, capes, fangs, religious statues... the whole film fails to be at any time gothic and it always seems to be daylight.
Logic let me introduce you...
There is no reference made to why our heroine has her name. It's unclear what she actually feeds from. I mean we do get one scene of her actually drinking blood.
Director Max Bellocchio has also directed and starred in the vampire porn films Ejacula 2 (1992) Baron of Darkness (1997) and its sequel imaginatively entitled Baron of Darkness 2 (1998).
Ron Jeremy stars in all of the above as well as ten other vampire films.
Say What? Cool Quotes:
Despite having actual dialogue, I couldn't find a single line noteworthy enough to merit being included on this site.
Available on DVD from Adult retailers.
Humans Turned: None
Vampire deaths: None
Having not seen the sequel to this film I'm not sure if it will actually get any better or have any more plot exposition. So this review is judged purely on the first half. After the novelty of ooh look it's a hardcore vampire porn movie has worn off there really isn't too much to recommend this to vampire fans. It's not particularly funny. And ok it has a plot, but it's absolutely NOTHING we haven't seen before, neither for that matter is the sex which is tediously standard, notable only for the fact that many of the cast sport fangs. Oh and the fact that it features a worm eating Renfield, something most vamp porn films tend to stray away from(hmmm I wonder why? could it be because a hunchback man eating bugs isn't even remotely sexy???)
My overall verdict? Why bother with this? There are better vampire films out there, there are better porn films out there. Hell there are much better vampire porn films out there. Unless you really are intent on viewing every single vampire movie out there then you honestly aren't missing a thing by leaving this one where it belongs, firmly buried.